It doesn't happen often that I look at something and don't turn it over and over in my head trying to see if I could have done something better or differently.
Not sure what that is about. I don't remember that aways being my behavior but it has been the last few years. I guess it comes from everything blowing up and trying to see if I could have avoided it. Natural I guess. But as natural as it may be it is also energy zapping and tiring. It also keeps one looking backwards or dragging the past forward.
I am having an experience right now that is reminding me of the joy of just doing your best and letting it go. No regrets. No examination over and over. I was thinking about it today and thought...no regrets. I have done the very best I can. I have been present. I have no regrets.
I had forgotten the lightness of that feeling. I am glad it is back.
Who defines you? Well it could be your family, your friends, your love muffin...your employer...the media. Heck the world in general could be defining you! But who should be defining you?
The answer of course is YoU! In all your brilliance and in all your splendor...YoU!
But the reality is most of us give up that power to others. When we give up the power we are basically saying," Tell me what box I should fill. What are my limits?" You tell me and I will work real hard to stay within the lines. Promise.
For some reason we think...I do believe...that that is a way to get folks to like us. We play the game, we meet those expectations and we will be safe. Not threatening and life will be good.
W r O n G!
That is a way to live everyone else's life but yours. I had a conversation with some folks this past weekend. One had described me to another and her description of me was so far from my reality...I was simply shocked. Really shocked.
But it got me to thinking. I define who and what I am. People will always see me through the lens they want to. Can't be responsible for that. Don't actually have time for that. 'Cause while they are expecting me to be "here". I am actually living my life "there"...just like I want to be. :)
I have been "gone" for several months. I have missed you...
I love words and I like to see them spill on a page not knowing which will come next. Sometimes they come at a nice pace. Sometimes they come out in a jumble. Sometimes they may have meaning only to me.
I stopped letting them come out here when I heard that someone I know was printing off things that I was writing and reading them at breakfast in different voices to the other people there.
I took it as a negative and it hurt my feelings. Who knew I had become such a wuss? Surprise!!!! Alas I had become such a tender-heart that it stopped me in my tracks.
Of course there had to be more to it. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I ran out of things to say. Maybe I just needed to stop.
Here is the thing...I can just as easily start again. And I am...
I have a life that is so very different from the life I use to have. For all the brave talk I talk about moving forward I think I have still been wandering in that wildness of "what the hell!" I think it's time to break camp and start towards that new horizon once again.
What I know is I have to lighten what I am carrying with me yet again. I think I doubled back and picked up some old baggage that I know does not serve me well. But it is familiar so there is comfort there. And who am I kidding? It is a great excuse for not moving forward.
But here is the thing that I know with my whole heart...if you are climbing mountains that appear in your life...the less you are carrying the easier the climb. But you have to decide you want to climb.
If you don't want to...own it. Stay where you are. Settle in and get to know the neighbors 'cause there are a lot of folks stuck!
But if you are ready to move on...get ready. Now is the time. The planets will never be aligned right. Permission from the outside is NOT coming. You decide. And then you own that.
So as I break camp to move forward I need to leave things at the side of the trail like those settlers who were moving towards a new life in the Old West. For them... a dresser here...a set of special dishes there. For me...a hurtful memory here...a lost love there.S
I appear to have my billionth wind :) so I am on my way again. I welcome you to stop by from time to time. I always have the coffee on!ed to leave uff
I met with someone yesterday whose friends called me saying she was in trouble. Homeless, confused...wandering. Would I meet with her? Of course I would...
For a little over ten years I ran a domestic violence/sexual assault service agency in this area. Before that I ran HIV/AIDS organizations...was a community service director for Planned Parenthood and ran a disability agency. I know services. I know crisis intervention. But above all else ... I know I am a good witness to what someone else has experienced.
I am even a better witness now because of my life experiences the last five years. My own very bad Lifetime Movie. With post traumatic stress, love, betrayal, abandonment...it was a bad movie script that just kept unfolding. It's been like living in a blender...first set on blend...then whip...then crush. FYI: " Blended not stirred" is only a good idea for James Bond's martini's...not ones life by the way.
I spent 2 1/2 hours yesterday talking with the woman I was called about. I listened. Attempted to help her frame the issues in a way she may be able to understand. I sat quietly and let her tell her story from her point of view. It was exhausting and only she knows if it was helpful. We are scheduled to meet again.
When I left I kept thinking after everything I went through that could have been me...tomorrow I will tell you why it wasn't.
Seamus Heaney, the Irish poet, sent a final message by text to his wife minutes before he died..."Noli timere" which is latin..it means "Don't be afraid".
Powerful words and a mantra to live by if you have the courage. "Don't be afraid".
I have been afraid. I battled post traumatic stress for a little over two years. I was afraid most of the time. It was not a good way to live my life. I am thankful every day that I came out the other side of it.
For me every day was a baby step towards being less afraid. It can be for you too if you are afraind of something. Baby steps...one every day.
One foot in front of the other and then one day you will realize you have walked away from fear right up to courage.
On that day shake courage's hand. :) She will be very proud to meet you.
But then...what is the point of looking at numbers to begin with...if we aren't going to be honest.
I thought about that this morning as I was balancing on one foot then the other seeing if it would make a difference on the bathroom scale. Ah...it did NOT! I am up almost pound.
I read a post awhile ago that Carrie Wilkerson ( who can be found at www.CarrieWilkerson.com) wrote about looking at your numbers. In your life, in your business. So I did. Really looked at one area at a time.
First health...not enough sleep hours a night...not close to what my driver's lincense says my weight is! But truly does the highway patrol carry a scale when they stop you for speeding? Oh...I digress.
I decided I wanted my "numbers" be look different. I joined Weight Watchers for their three month trial. I work crazy hours and eat poorly. I decided rather than do a crazy fast plan I would make up...you know like only protein...I would go to the experts and follow their plan.
It's been working. This week I am up a bit. I was going to pretend I wasn't and then thought...good lord you need an intervention! Numbers are numbers.
So after my momentary flight of denial...I shall review what I am eating, drink more water, add more exercise and watch what happens over the next week.
Seems like a more solid plan then the balancing act on the scale. :)
My point is this... numbers don't lie...that doesn't mean we won't. But if we want a solid life, built on a foundation that can anchor us as we go forth and continue to create the lives we want - we have to build that foundation on truth.
Truth in our intentions and truth in our numbers. :) And leave the balancing acts to the professionals!