I only mention that because of what I wrote on April 13th :). I did use a few quarters but mainly dimes!!!! I get my enjoyment where I can...
That is not what I wanted to write about today however. Yesterday I wrote about finding comfort. I hope you took some time to make your list of what comforts you. Today I want to write about how to "comfort" someone else who is going through something.
Here is what I honestly believe after years of working with people who have faced a crisis and from being in my own space of living through my own. What brings people the most comfort I believe is to have a witness to their experience. To have someone who will listen to them from the start to the finish of what they have experienced. It is the gift you can give them.
Most people, even in the depths of their crisis, do not expect you to be able to fix it. Most want someone who will listen to them. Listen without comment until they have said everything they need to say. You butting in and interrupting to give your two cents isn't as helpful as you may think. (Though your wisdom may be fabulous...that it not what they are looking for.)
If something bad or traumatic has happened to someone they need to process it. For some people that means saying it out loud. Others don't want to talk at all and you can get a sense pretty quickly if that is the case. If they say they don't want to talk about their job layoff or the death of their partner..just let them know you are available to listen if they ever need you. Then be quiet.
If they do want to talk...let them talk and again...this is very important...do not interrupt. People have a right to stop and start and get things mixed up and not make sense. As they deal with things..more and more will come together for them but it happens at their pace and not yours.
We seem in general to be very uncomfortable with silence and feel we need to fill in the space if someone has stopped talking. They may be simply gathering their thoughts to tell the next part...and silence gives them a chance to put words to thoughts.
If you are uncomfortable with silence...practice being silent. You can do that by turning off all the noise you may live with and just being quiet. For some folks it is a totally new experience! No music, no TV, no computer games...just the quiet of where you are.
It's in quiet that people can draw their thoughts together and that is what the person who you are with may need. Just remember this is about being of comfort to the person you are with. What they need in that moment...not what you need.
I had two people tell me in the last two days that they have been laid off from their jobs. Both people were totally surprised because of how long they had each been with their companies. I stood and listened to them. I was their witness. It is what we all need...