I have had a running commentary in my head of the things that have happened to get me where I am! No kidding... since yesterday when I embraced the idea of making peace with where I am...I have had a steady stream of remembrances of things that have happened. Things that added up to my rather extended "fall". 'Cause for me...it's never been easy so why should falling!
A steady stream of things just kept popping into my head. Not in a panicked, post traumatic way..I have had those and know what that feels like. No, this has been different. Just a steady stream of things that have happened. Things that I have even forgotten. Strange, isn't it?
Here is what I think. It is a test of which way I am committed in moving. Do I want to make peace with where I am so I can move forward or am I committed to reliving the past...things I cannot change until the end of my days? I think it is a choice we all have. We get to choose.
Yesterday I was calm and clear about making peace with where I am. I am where I am. It is what it is. (Thanks again Andy Dooley- see yesterday's post for a link to his blog) I said that little mantra all through the day and it was very helpful.
Then boom! I guess the universe thought it was time to ask me one more time...which way are you headed my dear? After my repeated trip down memory lane these past hours...I know for sure. Been there done that. And while I believe I would do things differently knowing what I know now. That is not part of the deal. The past is the past. I am who I am because of what has happened to me...the good and the bad and everything in between.
Now with a sense of peace with where I am...I am turning forward. With a nod to what was and an excitement about what will be. Okay excitement may be too strong yet...more excitement/terror :). But it is where the action is...the other direction is just a rerun. And I for one am more interested in a first run feature. I need to find some popcorn...
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