We are looking at anger. And building a tool box of responses we can use to let go of it without hurting ourselves or someone else.
Yesterday I wrote about writing. Today a few more tips.
Recognizing that you are getting angry is a great tool. How does your body feel when you start to get angry? Do your palms start to sweat? Do you feel it in your stomach, your heart? Do you start to feel hot?
Now there certainly is flash-point anger...where is comes out of nowhere without warning because something offended you..something came out of left field. That you cannot tell is coming.
But with anger that builds over a situation you can tell. Listen to and watch your body for signs. Then you can use the next tool if you feel yourself getting angry.
If you recognize you are getting angry you can take a timeout. Think timeouts are only for kids?! Think again. There is absolute honor in how you deal with things when you feel yourself getting angry.
When you feel yourself getting angry tell to the other person or people involved, " I am getting really angry now. We need to come back to this at a later time". Then walk away. You do not need someones permission to walk away from a fight.
What if you cannot walk away...then re-frame the encounter so you don't get angry. Here's an example. Years ago a woman I worked with a woman who wanted to have lunch with me. I worked on one side of the state...she on the other. I heard through the grapevine that she was really angry with how I was doing things in my area. She was a peer..but believed in her own mind she was a "super peer".
I am always up for a free lunch (feel free to make a note of that!) so I went. There we were in the middle of a restaurant and she launches into this tirade about how, in her opinion, I do everything wrong. Well I am telling you she was on a roll. I sat there continuing to eat as she went on and on. And I watched her. She was clearly agitated. Her face was getting red and she really started to sweat and I think she actually spit a couple of times (thank goodness she had no range!).
Anyway I just said to myself..I wonder if her head will explode? How long can she go without taking in a breathe? Interesting shade of red... I listened I did but I was at least once removed from the emotion of the conversation because I created that distance.
When she was done she looked at me and said something like, "And what do you have to say for yourself?" or something like that. I put down my fork...and said with a smile on my face, "I want to thank you for taking the time to tell me what you think." I then picked up my folk are kept eating.
She deflated like those hot balloons you hear about in New Mexico at that big festival!!!! Right in front of my eyes she deflated! And as I like to say now in my head...SCORE!!! I did not argue with her. I did not get angry. Because do you honestly think she would have heard a work I said anyway? Ah...no. Her mind was made up long before she arrived for lunch. Did I agree or take great personal offense? Ah no. I simply listened and maybe considered one or two things she said down the road when I gave it a bit more thought. maybe... :)
But I left that lunch...which I remember as being mighty tasty... knowing I had kept control... and knowing she didn't get what she was looking for was like a big dessert. :) My point - reframing an encounter can help you. Tomorrow a couple more examples of how to do that.
But first two things...
My voodoo doll story I promised you yesterday. I managed a store years ago. It was owned by a young man who was nice enough but he drove the other women absolutely nuts! Whenever he would call it would send them through the roof. They would end up angry and hated for him to call. I had to turn that around. So one day I brought in a little voodoo doll. One you can get at a party store. I told them this was for him.
The next time he called one of the women grabbed the doll from under the counter and put a pin in it's head. I was talking to him and he said he couldn't stay on the phone because all the sudden he was developing a headache. They burst out laughing in the background and did a happy little dance! I told him to go lay down and we could talk later. After that call...the calls never brought out the same frustration and anger. They always recalled the power of the headache. Childish maybe...but it helped re-frame what had been on going "anger producer"..into something we could get through without the emotional hangover.
One more thing before I go...in honor of my ongoing full disclosure with you. :) Yesterday I said I didn't send that email to the person I am angry with. I didn't. But I did write a new one...which was NOT anger filled. When I sat down and really thought what was making me the most angry about what he has done...which writing the first one helped my clarify...I realised I feel tremendously disrespected. That's what I wrote about...very clearly I might add...but without the overlay of unbridled anger. And then I hit "send". Just wanted you to know... :)
Tomorrow a few more tools.
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