Since December I have been looking for answers. My hunt for answers...okay who am I kidding...my desperate search for answers really ramped up in January. Everywhere I looked I found none. I think I have had a hard time coming to terms with you can only find answers for yourself..no one else. I do well for a few days then I have found myself right back at square one...why?
Here is what I know...You can never get into someone else's head. You can never quite get someone else's motivation. Energy trying to figure it out will leave you with only less..not more.
I have spent years working with people in different arenas and I have always patiently tried to tell them that...only to have them continue until searching for answers about someones behavior until they were ready to stop looking for those answers about someone else and come back to uncovering their own answers for themselves.
Ya teach what ya need to learn! :)
I am not sure if I am completely done looking for answers. I invested over 13 years of my life and emotions in someone who vanished without a word so I am not saying I have totally let that go of trying to figure it out.
But here is what I do know...at some point you have to make peace with not knowing. Maybe it's not peace but it a begrudging awareness that you can both exist (you and the not knowing) in the same space but you stay in opposite corners so that you can function and not get in each others way. Maybe that's it and then after awhile because you give less and less attention to it...it finally just leaves your "space" all together. Lord knows I am not there yet...but it's a lovely goal to work towards. It acknowledges the depth of the impact of what has happened and yet the importance of moving past it without the continued need to come back for a "revisit".
I want my visiting days to be over...but that only happens when I stop coming back for one more look.
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