Fall Down Seven Times Get Up Eight

At midnight the vault swings shut!

Yikes!  The day is here.  I am moving out of my house and at midnight the door swings shut!  A dear friend said to imagine this place as a memory vault.  I should visualize leaving all the bad memories, negative stuff behind. Swing the door shut and lock it.  So be it.

Tonight is the night. 

I have a lot to leave behind.  2 1/2 years of dealing with post traumatic stress that I am blessed to have come out of because I almost didn't. When it first hit me like a truck I slept in a chair for weeks and weeks.  I called it my magic chair.  I cannot explain why but I felt safe there.  A friend would call and say.."where did you sleep last night?"  My answer was..."my magic chair".  I love that chair.  It is making the move...all the memories...not.

Since December when my life imploded I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. Not a ride I would recommend.  I am leaving all that darkness and sadness behind.  I am leaving the essence of the person who betrayed me behind too.  And you know what?  I can do that.  Not to do that would mean I am carrying that energy some days sad - some days mad with me and I choose not to. So it gets left behind too.

I have learned a lot about myself and living in the last few months.  I have a lot to tell you about that soon.  But for now I have to unplug my computer soon and then my new phone line won't be set up until Monday.  A friend will help me set up my computer and then I will be back. Until then feel free to chat amongst yourselves LOL !

And at midnight if you hear a door closing don't be worried ...ah...that would be the memory vault as it closes one last time.

I am sure I will have mixed emotions but the one I hope overrides all the rest is gratitude. I have been to hell and back and the key word there is back. I did not fight through everything I have ...some days with grace and some days not ...to continue to live with sadness and darkness and regret.  I am choosing light and love and more light.  I am so grateful for the chance to do that.  I will not waste another minute carrying things that weigh me down.  Hence when the door shuts I will let them all go with love and a smile on my face. I can do that.  Oh yes I can.

 

This is what trust looks like...

Day Three in the moving saga and things are going great.  This has been and is a testament of many things...one being trust.

Okay the big trust was that I would find a place to move to.  I have...and it is quite charming. It has an energy that is light and clear.  It is a place for renewal and new life.  Heh just what I am looking for :)

But equal in trust is the trust I have put in family and friends to go through my stuff and they have been deciding what to keep, what to throw and what to donate. I have said I trust them enough to do it...and I need their help.  They have been great!  One friend kept asking if I was okay with it...feeling okay and I said I was. Because truly I am.

I am a keeper and a saver ... it runs in our family :) and there comes a time when you have to let go of things..not my strong suit.  So I have let go and trusted.

My brother who has been wonderful and I could not be doing this without him said, "You don't have a lot of junk...you have good stuff."  He is in charge of the garage and basement along with my nephew, his son.  They have been going through things and have been great.

I don't go back where they are working...I stay away because I may say , "Oh let me keep that because I bought it ten years ago and I might need it!"  I decided that I can't trust 1/2 way.  I have to go all the way and let them all do what they need to do.

Here is where trust comes in.  I was putting some things on the moving truck and saw my brother toss a doll in the dumpster.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  I have had that doll for years and years...since I was a little girl.  And there she was...soon to be followed I was sure by her boyfriend into the dumpster.  I wanted to shout out..."Not her"!  But I got very quiet and said to myself...let her go.  You said he could use his judgement and he is.  I turned away and went back in the house.

A few minutes later my mom came walking to the front of the house as I was taking more to the truck.  I turned around and she was carrying both dolls.  She said, "I thought you would want these" and then she smiled.

That is experiencing trust...that things work out the way they are suppose to when you get out of the way and just trust.  And I will tell you my friend when you trust more and more I think life feels lighter and lighter. I have come down quite a road to get to this point but I am here.

After so much darkness for so long the light is here and I am basking in it.  Me and two old dolls. I am blessed and and very, very grateful.

Open your arms to help and embrace it like a cupcake!

My two favorite things these days...help and cupcakes!  I say embrace them with both hands.

Day Two of the great move!  I was so overwhelmed I had to remind myself to breathe and just literally prayed for help and support.  And it arrived :)  All day long people...angels in my mind..came to help.  We were tossing and throwing and packing and laughing.  It was friendship and family-ship at it finest and I am ever so grateful and feeling blessed.

And I have some very lovely things...very lovely.  Two coats in particular..who knew I had such taste!  LOL.  But a lot also did not make the trip to the new home.  I had people just toss things that they thought needed to go. Made it easier to let go of things when they just went. 

Biggest debate? Did I have more lottery tickets or baskets?  Should be about equal because you need baskets to carry the lottery wins...quite logical if you think like me :)

Three more days to go and I will lock the door of this memory vault.  It is getting easier to let go of some of those memories.  I am feeling lighter and that is a good thing.  Lighter and blessed.

Now back to moving baskets :)  A woman has to be prepared you know!

The key to not being overwhelmed...

is deep breathing and focusing on the outcome...not the steps it takes to get there.  I will let you know how that works as I continue moving over the next four days. 

Note to self:  No one woman needs this much stuff.  Actually a family of ten could do without some of it too. :) 

No... actually that was not helpful.

That was my comment to my neighbor yesterday after he said rather smugly he thought I had to let go of things.  I am not sure if he was talking about the three rakes I have or the turmoil my life has been in...either way...not actually too helpful of a comment when I AM struggling with letting go of the vision I had for a new life while at the same time embracing the new one I am actually living. 

Not helpful at all...because I am actually living "letting go" on so many levels it's hard to count them.  I am a non violent person but I really wanted to smack him upside the head and say, "What the f*** do you think I have been doing?"  A momentary lapse of grace on my part...and I did NOT do it...but in my head I wanted to.

If I have learned anything these past five years and especially since December it is that when someone is truly grappling with issues that touch their very core...it is not helpful for you to add your two cents for a place of "all knowing".  Cause you know what?!  You don't know.  It is that simple.  You do not know.  And I do not know when it comes to your stuff.  I can be supportive and I can be there for you.  I can say "What do you need?"  Then I can be quiet and wait to see what you say.  That is what I can do.

I know people jump in with their comments because they do not know what to do sometimes and most people are very uncomfortable with silence.  So they fill it with whatever comes into their head.  yesterday it was..."you need to let go."  Brilliant...why didn't I think of that?

Not everything fits in a box.

This moving is an interesting thing.  Especially if you pay attention to what you are doing... Okay there may be a time when I just start tossing things in boxes because time is getting short. But for now yet...there is time to pay attention.

Here is what I know.  Not everything fits in a box and not everything should.  Some things like expectations or intentions that have not been realized don't have to be packed.  They can stay behind.  To carry them along means they still have a place in my life and they clearly don't.

That's not to say that they still don't have an impact on me...or rather their loss does.  But there comes a time when their loss can be acknowledged while at the same time new expectations and intentions step forward to take their place.

But there is a moment...a place in time when they pass each other and that happened last night.  It was rather a bittersweet moment when I realized in a different way everything I had so wanted was not to be...and where I am headed is very different. Different will be good but it not what I had wanted or expected. That is gone. Not forgotten. But gone. And no reason to look for a box to move it...I am not taking any of that with me.

And that is probably a good thing...I don't think there is room in the truck anyway!  :)

 

Let today be the day...

for a new beginning, a new start for you.  Whatever you have been wrestling with.  Stop.  Let today be a new day with new focus.

Easter holds religious significance for many.  But even if it does not for you...Easter signals a start of a new season. Spring.  Things are fresh. Flowers start to come up. The days are longer.  The sun even seems brighter.  Well it IS easier to see the sun when you aren't looking at the sun through a stocking cap to keep warm!!!   LOL 

So today...let it be the start of a new beginning.  We all deserve them.  I am embracing mine like a cupcake! Just remember "new" doesn't mean better...it means "new" but some times that is better.  

 

HAPPY EASTER! HAPPY SPRING! HAPPY NEW BEGINNING!

This is your life. Remember that old TV Show?

Remember that old TV show where Ralph Edwards surprised someone and all these people from their life would come out and talk about them?  Okay...maybe not  but it was great and in my opinion would beat Jersey Shore hands down... :) LOL

That's what it felt like last night at my new job...well my relatively new job at the bar and restaurant!  I saw people from three different areas of my life! It was the strangest feeling and I think it had people who were working with me wondering what the heck?!

Honestly I felt like Ralph Edwards was going to come out any moment! "This is your life Jean Buschke!"  And the crowd goes wild!  LOL

I worked in TV for over four years in central WI.  There was a guy and his wife I use to work with.  How great was that?!

Then a man who is the Director of Human Services who was always so supportive when I ran a domestic violence/sexual assault agency.

And then two different people who had heard me speak over the years...and remembered it.

And then a charming couple who I had waited on my first week at the restaurant were there.  Said they were glad to see I had made it through training!

It was like a mini retrospective of my life.  It got me thinking about all the people that we touch or who we are touched by.  Life goes by so quickly.  The great and good parts and the bad and ugly ones.  Last night was such a great reminder to me to make sure I see who I are interacting with along the way. They are what makes this all what it is.

And on a weekend that many people use for reflection and new beginnings it a point worthy of remembering.

How do you find your way out of the darkness?

Why one step at a time my friend.  One step. 

It can feel like a very long road.  No matter what your darkness is...whatever put you there. The only way out is movement and you need to make that movement yourself.  No one can do it for you.  Ya gotta do the work.

I know it can be dark.  It can feel like even if you light a candle it will still be dark.  There are people who don't understand that kind of darkness and I for one am grateful for what they have not experienced. They just don't realise the gift THEY have been given.

But here is one thing I have learned in my journey through much darkness...it is not your responsibility or mine to help someone understand it. Some may and some may not. 

That trying to help people who don't get it understand what we are dealing with takes away energy we need to get through it.  Stop trying to explain it.  Use your energy and focus on moving through it.

And you get out of the darkness one step at a time.  I thought that this morning as I was looking around all the boxes I need to move...all the boxes that are waiting to get packed.  One step at a time has gotten me this far and one step at a time will take me the rest of the way.

I am walking into much light. I can feel it and so will you. One step at a time is the ticket. And as you keep taking those steps it does get lighter...that I know...that I promise.

 

If I can do this...oh YES you can!

Whatever you are facing...if I can do this...YES you can!  I am telling you from the bottom of my heart and the core of my spirit...you can do it.

All those saying about it's darkest before the dawn...every breakthrough follows a breakdown.  Yeah..they are true.  The darkness may last a long time and the breakdown may be painfilled..BUT and this in the words of Pee Herman this is the BIG BUT...you can do it.  I know you can. Because I am.

You may have to ask for help.  I have.  You may cry.  I have.  You may be scared.  I have been.  You may be mad.  I have been. You may have to learn new skills.  I have and am.  You may have to come out when you would rather stay under the covers.  I have and am.

In the end it is you.  You have to want it badly enough no matter what "it is" to battle back.  You have to keep going even if you stop to rest and recover time and time again. I have.

But if I can pull my life back together after having it literally implode in front of my eyes..you can do what you need to do.  Oh yes you can.  And I am right here cheering you on.

Enough rest for now...today take a step.  Oh yes you can :)