Fall Down Seven Times Get Up Eight

Are you settling?

I overheard a conversation yesterday.  Four people were talking.

They were talking about their lives...one was adamant that they should NOT be settling for what they have.  He kept telling them that they should be going for more.

The one kept challenging the other three when they said they were happy.  It was interesting to observe and really left me thinking about how easy it is to settle and how easy it is to make up all sorts of reasons why settling is okay.

But in the end you can fool everyone but yourself.  Oh you CAN fool yourself for awhile but in the end you know.  You know...and so do I.

So here is my question for you and for me today - Are we settling?

Our body remembers for a long time. Treat it kindly.

I woke up with a migraine this morning that felt like it was going to take my head apart.  It has slowly gone away but the "aftermath" fatigue has set in and I am just sitting with it.

I have had migraines before and usually can pinpoint a cause...I can today as well.

I watched the movie "Impossible" last night.  Have you heard about it?  I have been interested in seeing it since I heard it was being made.  It is truly a stunning telling of one family's experience with the Christmas tsunami in 2004. They were vacationing in Thailand when it hit.

I went a year later to Sri Lanka which was also hit.  I have a speciality in trauma with children and went with an agency to work with folks who were still living in refugee camps.  The country was unofficially at war with itself which only added to the drama.

It all seemed surreal to me that I was there at all.  I grew up and now live again in my hometown which is in Wisconsin.  That I would be a plane going more than half way around the world to offer to support to people was never something I imagined I would be doing.  Seeing my name on a plane ticket that included places I had only read about...again unreal.

But I went and did the work.  It was rewarding, an eye opening and scary.  We honestly had moments when we thought we would not make it home. And when we were leaving it was the same weekend that the guy tried to set off a bomb in his shoe on a plane in London and security world wide stepped up to a very scary level...and we were caught in it. 

People crying at the airport begging to get on planes...it's all a blur really.  All those jumbled experiences and feelings put in a box and tied with a ribbon and put on a shelf when I got home.  I ran a crisis agency at that time and I needed to get back to work when I got home. No real time to process what had happened.  On to the next thing...

I may have put those experiences and feelings in a box on the shelf...but what I know and sometimes forget it that all those experiences are stored in our bodies at a cellular level.  They are there waiting to be triggered.  

Sometimes we get a debriefing after an intensive experience and that can do a lot to release the most toxic part of those memories.  But if we don't have that chance...and a lot of "helpers" folks don't...we carry those experiences only to have them surface later.

That's what happened to me during the night. I remembered a lot that I had forgotten.  There was a bit of a "stress overload" and that resulted in a migraine.  So today I am spending in quiet.  Remembering the good we did and that we all got home safe.  And knowing in that time and space we did what we could to reach out to folks that needed help.

And remembering once again that the body my spirit lives in has taken me to many wonderful places and allowed me to experience life like I never imagined I would.  For that I owe it my thanks and a commitment to treat it more kindly than I do most days.

 

 

 

Look for the helper Part 3

You have listened and listened some more.  You have been present to what the person needs.  Now what?

Step #3  Help people understand the options they have.

Sometimes things are so scary for people they cannot see straight.  They cannot think straight.  Some times they just need a time of quiet and then to be reminded that they have some options. 

There are always options.  I know sometimes in my life that has been hard to believe...there have been times that have been so scary I think there are absolutely NO options but that is the fear and scary talking louder than anyone voice.

That can be a LOUD voice...the voice of fear and scary...that's why you need to be a strong and steady voice of what options folks have.  Strong and steady.  Strong as in standing by...not strong as in yelling at the top of your voice. BIG difference.

You talk about options you believe the person has.  You say it more than once.  If someone has experienced a trauma of any sort the chances of them getting what you are saying the first time is slight. The mind can shut down. Not everything gets through the first time or the fifth time.

Strong and steady.  Strong and steady. That's you.

Tomorrow...more.

 

Look for the helpers Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about my first tip for being a helper...Tip #1 listen to what the person has to say.

Tip #2 is as important.  Maybe more so when I think about it.

Tip #2 is It's about them not you.

Whoa!  That can set you back on your heels!  But it's true.  It's about what is happening to them.  Not your history.  Not your past experiences that may kinda, sorta relate if you stretch it out a bit. 

It's about them.  You need to be fully present to them and put yourself to the side.

I ran a domestic abuse/sexual assault agency for a little over ten years. Every time Ipicked up the phone, held someone's hand in the emergency room, went to a home...talked to anyone...it had to be about them.  Where they were.  Not where I thought they were or should be. 

I had to be fully present in the moment to be with them.  Was I successful?  More often then not because that was my intention.  To be a witness to what they experienced. To listen. To be present.  Once that process is complete you can move on from there.

Tomorrow I will tell you how. But here's a clue about when the first part is done...they will tell you.  If they are still talking it is not done. So keep quiet and keep listening.

Look for the helpers.

I am sure you have seen this quote many times over the last day or two in response to the Boston bombings..but in case you have not here it is:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping."  - Fred Rogers

The world can be a scary place.  Turn on the radio...watch TV...cruise the internet and you cannot avoid it.  These days it can fill your heart with sadness.

It can help make you feel overwhelmed and powerless.  It can if you just sit with it.

But like Mr. Roger's mom said...where there is scary stuff happening there are usually also helpers trying to make it better.  We need to look for the helpers and actually be a helper when called on.

You never...ever...really know how the world feels for someone else.  We all have our own histories.  Our own experiences.  Our own scary stuff.  Some of us handle it with grace.  Some of us with not so much grace.

I believe without a doubt that no matter what the world is like for us...we can also be helpers for someone else.

 There could be someone right now in your life who could use a helper right now.  Over the next couple of days I will share my tips for being a helper that's actually helpful.

Here's my first tip...and the most important one. 

Tip #1 Listen to what the person has to say. 

Truly listen.  Do not interrupt.  Be quiet and listen.  Not as easy as you think.  Why?  Well most of us jump ahead to what we want to say.  Because of that we miss a lot.  If you want to be a helper it has to be about them and NOT about you. You need to listen to the end. If there are silences..let the silence be.  When the person is ready they will fill the silence and finish what they need to say.

Tip #2 tomorrow.

In the meantime...what are your tips for staying silent and listening rather than interrupting?

 

What do you have a knack for?

A knack is a special skill, talent or aptitude.  So what is yours?  I have been thinking about mine since this morning...

I was reading an article today about LeBron James' fiancee Savannah Brinson.  She held two wonderful events recently where she was helping to provide 100 girls with prom dresses. I am not a prom person but I know how important it can be for young people.  I am sure every young woman there was "over the moon" by the event.

James was talking about Savannah and he said he thinks she as a knack for being powerful.  Hmmm...that's quite a wonderful thing to say about someone in your life.

His comments had me thinking about knacks while I was doing my dishes this morning. I try to make dish washing a zen activity! :) This morning it was thinking about knacks.

Not everyone has someone standing besides them pointing out their knack.  Most of us need to find that out for ourselves.

So what is your knack?  What lights up your heart and shows in your face when you do it? 

Whatever you have been saying you are going to do....guess what?

Today is the day! 

Just do it. 

Quit planning and dreaming and thinking and rationalizing!

Just take a deep breath and take a step towards it. 

Then another step and then another step.

Okay you can breath again. :)  It wasn't as scary as you thought was it?

Now step forward again. 

The time will never be right.

The time will only be now.

It's not suppose to be perfect...

Whatever you are doing....it's not suppose to be perfect.  It's suppose to be your best.  You do your best then let it go.

You set the standard.  No one else.  Things can always be improved but if they don't see the light of day we are all the poorer for that.

So let us see your work.  Enjoy your gift.

3 Steps for feeling better. 1 is from my mom!

I have not been feeling well for the past few days.  Feeling like crap actually.  But I have turned a corner and am feeling better.  For that I am grateful because I don't like feeling sick.

Here's my 3 step plan that is helping me feel better:  Feel free to adapt when you need it.

Step 1   Stop doing what you are doing and rest.

That's a big one for me.  I seem to push and push and don't pay alot of attention to how I feel until my body makes it very clear I need to stop and rest.  I got the message on Monday.

Step 2    Drink tea with honey.

That's my mom's tip.  Lots of tea and honey.  It will make you feel better.  You know what?  Dang she was right again!  It is helping me feel better.

Step 3  Sleep

Sleep is wonderful. And sleeping in your bed vs a chair or on the couch is quite lovely. Beds are not just for falling into and jumping out of in the morning.  Beds give us a space to renew. Rest and renew.  Two things that are very important whether you are feeling good or not.

So those are my three steps for feeling better. 

1. Stop what you are doing.
2. Drink a lot of tea
3. Get some sleep.

It's working for me.  Mom says it will work for you too when you need it.

 

 

 

Here's your decision making guide. You are welcome!

The question I left you with yesterday was "How do you decide to move or stay in your place?"

I want to share with you my "No Fail to Lay Out What's at Stake" guide to deciding. 

Let me point out that you still have to make the decision.  I cannot do that for you nor should I. That's the 'big but' in the whole thing.  It's still up to you. That's your job but my guide will help you.

It's not complicated.  It just takes a bit of thought and honestly on your part. Ready?

Take out a piece of paper and a pencil.  Write the decision you have to make across the top of the paper.  Then draw a line down the center of the paper. On one side right why and on the other why not.

Then start writing.  Write whatever comes on your head until you cannot think of anymore whysand why nots.  Then take a look at your lists.  I bet your answer is right there. 

It's not in the amount "things" on each side.  It's what they are.  If you have only one thing listed for "why" but it's a powerful one ... it may be enough to carry you forward.  You, again, are the one who decides.

 So now it's your turn.  What decision do you need to make?  How about...Do you move on or stay put?

What have you decided?